Smaller Thoughts

101 Tips For Living

I typically hate really long lists like this (101? really?), but many of these are very, very good.

* You should never have to match your socks, other than to separate black from white; buy 18 pairs of identical socks in each color and throw them all out every six months.
* Pants with pleats get cuffs; pants without, do not.
* Avoid large faced watches if you have thin wrists.
* Sunglasses may only be worn indoors after 1 a.m.
* Carry around those small bottles of hand sanitizer and use some before you eat.
* Business casual was invented to prevent younger people from dressing better than their bosses. Rebel and wear a suit or jeans.
* If you need to put stuff in your hair to add shine or hold, you are washing your hair too often.
* Yes, you do have to floss.
* If you are handling a small baggy in a bathroom stall, face away from the open toilet and you will never drop it in there.
* When a friend calls after a drunken night, never say, “You were so funny.”
* Avoid staying out past midnight three nights in a row.
* You can ignore the three-night rule if something really good comes up on the third night.
* You will regret your tattoos.
* If you wear a baseball cap in bars, the girls will suspect you are bald.
* Go to more baseball games.
* Time is too short to do your own laundry.
* When the bartender asks, you should already know what you are ordering.
* Learn how to speak before groups.
* An undershirt will prevent you from perspiring through your overshirt.
* Yes, you do have to go to the gym.
* Complaining about other people smoking makes you an ass.
* Stop talking about where you went to college.
* When people don’t invite you to parties, you really shouldn’t go.
* Sometimes even when you are invited, you shouldn’t go.
* You can ignore those rules about parties if it is a really, really good party.
* Drink plenty of coffee.
* People are tired of you being the funny, drunk guy.
* When in doubt, always kiss the girl.
* Tip more than you should.
* If a book is too big to carry around comfortably, cut it up and carry the pages you can read.
* Yes, you do have to have your shoes shined.
* It’s okay to arrive late.
* You probably use your cell phone too often and at the wrong moments.
* Do not spend very much money on sunglasses or umbrellas. You will lose them quickly.
* Do thirty-push ups before you shower each morning.
* Eat brunch with friends every other weekend.
* Be a regular at a bar.
* Read more.
* And not just biographies.
* If her friends hate you, it’s over.
* A glass of wine with lunch will not ruin your day.
* It’s better if old men cut your hair.
* They should charge less than $20.
* If you smoke pot, you probably smoke too much.
* Learn how to fly-fish.
* Ask for a salad instead of fries.
* Pretty women who are unaccompanied want you to talk to them. Ask someone for an introduction.
* You cannot always make amends with people.
* Buy furniture that you think is too small for your apartment. It isn’t.
* Cobblers will save your shoes.
* Figure out what kind of knot you like in your ties and stick with it.
* The first round of drinks is on you.
* When a bartender buys you a round, tip double.
* Hang your clothes up when you take them off.
* Except sweaters. Those get folded.
* Piercings are liabilities in fights.
* You’ll regret much more the things you didn’t do than the things you did.
* Do not buy the product insurance.
* Except for mobile phones. Always insure the phone.
* Celebrate mothers on Father’s Day, and fathers on Mother’s Day.
* You may remove your jacket and roll up your sleeves. The tie may not be loosened.
* It’s not that you’re unphotogenic. That’s just how you look.
* Do not use an electric razor.
* Desserts are for women. Order one and pretend you don’t mind that she’s eating yours.
* Keep rugs and carpets to a minimum.
* Carry a pocket knife.
* Buy a tuxedo before you are thirty. Stay that size.
* Subscribe to a small-circulation magazine.
* It should have a cork-screw. The knife. Not the magazine.
* One girlfriend is probably enough.
* After one day of hanging, your tie should be rolled and placed in a drawer.
* People will dance if the music is loud enough and the lights are dim enough. You should too.
* Throw parties.
* But don’t clean up during or after your party. Hire someone else to come do that the next day, which you’ll be spending somewhere else.
* You may only request one song from the DJ.
* Take pictures. One day it will be fun to laugh at them.
* When you admire the work of artists or writers, tell them.
* And spend money to acquire their work.
* Sleep outdoors when you can.
* Your clothes do not match. They go together.
* Yes, you do have to buy her dinner.
* Staying angry is a waste of energy.
* Revenge can be a good way of getting over anger.
* Go to the theater.
* Always bring a bottle of something to the party.
* Ask cab drivers not to speak on the phone.
* When the bouncer says it’s time for you to leave, it is.
* Do not make a second date while you are still on your first.
* Avoid the “last” glass of whiskey. You’ve probably had enough.
* If you are wittier than you are handsome, avoid very loud clubs.
* Drink outdoors.
* Drink during the day.
* Date women outside your social set. You’ll be surprised.
* If it’s got velvet ropes and lines, walk away unless you know someone.
* You should probably walk away anyway.
* See more bands than you have been.
* You cannot have a love affair with whiskey because whiskey will never love you back.
* Place-dropping is worse than name dropping.
* The New Yorker is not a high-brow magazine.
* You aren’t really a great DJ. Those people are dancing because they are drunk.
* Don’t let that discourage you. If they’re having fun, you are doing your job.
* If you believe in evolution, you should know something about how it works.
* No-one cares if you are offended, so stop it.
* Eating out alone can be magnificent. Find a place where you can eat at the bar.
* Get out of the city every now and then. The parties you miss won’t miss you. And you won’t really miss them either.
* Never date an ex of your friend.

(My apologies to those of you who have seen the earlier version of this.)